Cleaning Up
About ten days ago, we decided to sell our home. We weren’t planning to move, but we found the perfect home just a short distance from where we currently live. So, with little fanfare, and even less preparation, we started the process of buying and selling a home.
In order to properly list our home for sale, we had to get organized. This meant rifling through bins and boxes of stored clothing and memorabilia- or should I say- memories. Lots and lots of memories. Twenty-five years of memories.
Just for fun, I’d like to share some of what was uncovered.
MOST UNUSUAL: THE SWEATSHIRT I WORE TO WATCH THE FRIENDS FINALE
Yep. I still have the very sweatshirt I wore on May 6, 2004, when Ross, Rachel, Monica and the entire gang said goodbye to us. WHY in the world did I save this entire 105 quart bin filled with late 90’s and early 2000’s fashion? Why did I think I would need these? There’s never going to be a Friends reunion, right? Or is there? Too late- I threw them out. I was too proud to take this bin to Goodwill.
MOST USELESS: A BOX OF 500 CHECKS FROM AN OLD BANK ACCOUNT
Checks. Remember checks? Straight to the shredder.
SECOND MOST USELESS: THREE APPLE COMPUTERS, TWO IPADS
What are these dinosaurs? I feel guilty about throwing them away, because I remember choosing my mac over baby formula (more than once, I think). Seriously, though. They now qualify as “antique,” I believe. I have a Lisa. What’s a Lisa? Look it up. Steve Jobs’ first big idea. Oy. Surely there is something to do with these. I’m open to suggestions, because you know I will be putting them on the moving truck and they’ll land in the basement of the new home. It’s gonna be like an APPLE Time Capsule down there.
MOST VALUABLE- ACTUAL: MY VINTAGE HAMILTON TANK WATCH
When my wife and I married, it was immediately evident that I was the good gifter, and she made a really fine effort. That all changed when she bought me a vintage Hamilton tank watch for our fifth anniversary. The battery quit and the band broke some time ago, and I never got it repaired. It’s time. Literally.
MOST-VALUABLE- PRICELESS: GRANDMA’S TREASURES
I happily opened the box of items my Aunt Linda gave me after my grandma had passed. Though this rag-tag collection of art deco wall art, knick-knacks and black and white photos isn’t worth much to anyone, seeing my dad in his first pair of childhood glasses, and my happy grandparents on the steps of their first home is super important to me.
MOST PUZZLING: NO DESCRIPTION AVAILABLE
Okay, I have a box of random attachments to either a JUICE NINJA or a countertop ice cream maker. I am not sure which, or for that matter, why. I know they have never been used, and they are either silver or grey. Also- we have never owned either a JUICE NINJA or an ice cream maker. If you left any of these items at our home, I sincerely apologize. They are now in the trash.
MOST FRUSTRATING: TWO NONWORKING VACCUUMS
Don’t get me started on this one. I made the argument for years that the Dyson was inferior to my (less-expensive, suction-supremer) budget vacuums. I remember saying, “a vacuum is just a vacuum. It’s all marketing…” Guess what? They’ve been sitting in the basement since they stopped working six years ago. Coincidentally, the last one stopped working exactly one hour before I purchased a brand new Dyson. Which is amazing. This marketing guy can finally admit that the marketing is true.
MOST LIKELY TO NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY: UTINSELS
When my son graduated from high school in 2016, we threw a party at our home. We love to plan parties, and his grad party was a pretty fun one. To make sure had every detail cared for we’d ordered matching paper products, coffee cups, beverage napkins- the works. We also thought it would be a great idea to buy the plastic utensils pre-wrapped in a napkin from Amazon. (Did you know they sell these? They do! Amazing right?) Well, we were unsure of the number attending, and the package of 500 wasn’t that much more than the package of 100. (Typical Amazon reasoning exhibited here.) So- you guessed it- we got the mega package. And then we served wings. So every guest had to unroll and discard the plastic knife, fork and spoon (spoon? Who was going to need a spoon?) to make use of their napkin. We have approximately 470 packets of pre-wrapped plastic utensils left. Just ask. They’re yours.
MOST LIKELY TO GET DONATED WHEN MY WIFE ISN’T LOOKING: PINEAPPLE CORER
She really wanted one of these. It was gift. It’s never been used. Don’t tell her.
MOST LIKELY TO GET DONATED WHEN I AM NOT LOOKING: CDS
I have about 6000 CD’s. I can’t take it. They need to be disposed of. They’re gross, and the sound was never really that great. (See: mostly useless, unplayed VINYL collection.) “But the liner notes! The priceless original cast albums.” I’ve decided I want them more than they need wanting. So- they’ll go. Just take them away. (Sigh.)
MOST LIKELY TO STILL SMELL LIKE MOLD IN THE NEW HOUSE: ACCORDIAN
My dad played the accordion. Music was kind of the one thing we had in common. I used to delight in his playing. I have snapshots of toddler me in utter awe of my father’s music making. He wasn’t that great, but he played the accordion with abandon, and it brought me much delight for the twelve years I had with him. Much to my grandmother’s disappointment, I never learned to play. But every time I crack open the tweed case and catch a glimpse of those mother-of-pearl keys and whiff the remains of those boozy 60’s dinner parties from the crushed velvet lining, I get a little verklempt, and maybe a bit nostalgic. “Roll out the barrel, we’ll have a barrel of fun” he would sing as he tickled the keys. And, though it wasn’t always a barrel of fun- this one’s a keeper.
